Madonna and Beeple, still from NFT video artwork Mother of Nature (2022) (all images courtesy the artists)

When someone has traded on their image as a provocateur for as long as Madonna has, and seen so much success from being transgressive in their sexuality, it must be difficult to accept that they have absolutely no reason — and I cannot emphasize this enough — to partner with Beeple and make NFTs about it.

In a blockbuster collaboration that literally no one on Earth wants to deal with, the unlikely duo announced a series of three NFTs (non-fungible tokens) made by Beeple, who famously brought the earning power of crypto art to the forefront of collective consciousness, starring a digitized version of Madonna graphically birthing things out of her digital vagina.

The works, collectively titled Mother of Creation, are a matryoshka doll of nightmares, a sort of telescoping abyss of bad things contained in worse things, opening to reveal even worse things. Start with NFTs (already, fuck this) — multiply by Beeple (please quit while you’re ahead, or already slightly behind) — add Madonna (if you are not following Madonna on TikTok, you have no idea how weird it’s gotten, but be warned you cannot actually unsee the horrors contained therein) — and then, then have a nest of centipedes crawl out of her vagina. Also the centipedes are little robots. Also, Madonna is reading the poetry of Rumi in voice-over.

You do NOT want to know where that centipede has been, I promise you. Madonna and Beeple, still from NFT video artwork Mother of Nature (2022)

“When Mike [Beeple] and I decided to collaborate on this project a year ago, I was excited to have the opportunity to share my vision of the world as a mother and an artist with Mike’s own unique point of view,” said Madonna in a statement on the Mother of Creation website, where all three NFTs can be seen.

“It’s been an amazing journey building this together from an intellectual idea to an emotional story, giving birth to art,” she continued. “I wanted to investigate the concept of creation, not only the way a child enters the world through a woman’s vagina, but also the way an artist gives birth to creativity.”

Mission accomplished, Madonna! You explored the heck out of those concepts. You sure did.

Really, the only saving grace of this entire spectacle is that proceeds from the sale of the NFTs will benefit three nonprofit organizations picked by Madonna and Beeple in support of mothers across the globe. The Voices of Children Foundation has been working to support the women and children affected by the war in Ukraine by providing psychological and urgent care. The City of Joy is a transformational leadership community for women survivors of severe violence, located in Bukavu in the Eastern Democratic Republic of Congo. Black Mama’s Bail Out began in 2017 with a mass bail-out of Black mothers and caregivers who are disproportionately incarcerated. Sixty percent of people in local women’s jails have not even been convicted of a crime and are awaiting trial — and 80 percent of them are parents. The triptych was created with infrastructure support by Moonpay, who will also contribute an additional $100,000 to each charity.

Benefiting mothers and children in need is a laudable aim, especially as basic reproductive rights are under direct assault in the US from within our corrupt political and judicial systems. But after zooming right up in Madonna’s virtual cooter, based on meticulous 3D scan of her actual cooter, only to have a giant tree then grow out of it reeeeeeeallly begs the question of whether the ends in this case justify the means. Or whether Madonna is potentially rich enough to just donate to charity without making literally everyone look at her vagina. Then again, if past is precedent, Madonna likes having people look at and think about her vagina, so I guess good on her, for finding a fresh way to renew interest in the area. Right? Honestly I have so many questions, but I think I can speak for all of us and in summary by simply saying: WHY? WHY? WHYYYYY?