In Simon R. Green’s
From a Drood to a Kill,
a deal with the devil draws supernatural fixer Eddie Drood into a
deadly contest where the winner takes all, body and soul. Eddie wasn’t
the one who made the deal with the devil: It was someone else, but he’s
got to pick up all the pieces. It’s a great story, and a fun variant on a
familiar theme. (How fun? Like, occult James Bond fun.)
You’d think that at this point just about everyone would know that a
contract with Satan isn’t going to work out the way they want it to, but
people keep doing it. Sure, there are exceptions to the rules (John
Constantine, I’m looking at you), but chances are that anyone that
enters into a bargain with the Great Beast is going to be ruined in the
end.
But say you want to do it, anyway. Even if you think you’re lucky and
smart enough to beat Beelzebub at his own game, selling your soul isn’t
as easy as starting an auction on eBay.
At least it isn’t anymore.
The first thing you’re going to have to decide is which devil you
want to do business with. I know you might have heard that there’s just
one devil, but medieval demonologists believed there were gazillions of
demons and devils just waiting to get their hooks into tasty, tasty
human souls.
Don’t waste your time or their's: It’s busy in Hell, especially during the presidential election.
DIAL-A-DEMON
You could waste a bunch of time thumbing through ancient texts in some
wizard’s library in a dungeon somewhere, but when it comes to finding a
fiend in a hurry, I prefer Michelle Belanger’s
The Dictionary of Demons.
This compendium of cacodaemons is like Hell’s Yellow Pages, and if
there’s a demon or devil, chances are it’s in there. You can flip
through at random like that time you needed a bail bondsman in Vegas
(What, you didn’t think I knew?), but your best bet is going to be
searching by area of expertise. (Devils, like doctors, have
specialties.) It’s not going to do you very much good to call up Bathin,
the demon of herbs and precious stones, when you really just want a new
ride. For that you want Saltim, who can gift wizards with flying
thrones. Don’t waste your time or their’s: It’s busy in Hell, especially
during the presidential election.
BLOOD RED TAPE
Presuming you’ve found the right devil, you’re still going to need to do
all the paperwork. Yes, as you can imagine, Hell is big on paperwork
and bureaucracy in general. It’s the national pastime in the Underworld,
so you’d better do your homework (also invented by demons). As hard as
it is to believe, it’s just about impossible to find an attorney who
works with demonic contract law, so for proper advice, we’re going to
have to turn to people who allegedly made a deal with the devil.
PARTNERS IN PERFIDY:
Robert Johnson (1911 – 1938)
The undisputed master of the Delta Blues is rumored to have met the
devil at the crossroads to bargain for his soul. Johnson got his wish
and became a famous bluesman, but died at only 27 years of age. The
exact location of Johnson’s crossroads is unknown, although some people
suggest the intersection of US 61 and US 49 in Clarksdale, MS. That’s as
good a place to begin your search as any. If you don’t find the devil,
there’s still a good chance you’ll find God: Morgan Freeman is a
Clarksdale native, and is not infrequently spotted hanging out at his
Ground Zero Blues Club.
Expert Advice: Take a trip to the Delta and look for
the devil at the crossroads. At worst you’ll have some incredible food
and enjoy some great music.
Jonathan Moulton (1726 – 1787)
Revolutionary War hero Brigadier General Jonathan Moulton took trolling
to an epic level when he sold his soul for an agreement that the devil
would fill his boots with gold every day. Unafraid to try the father of
lies at his own game, Moulton cut the soles out of his boots and placed
them on the top of his chimney. After Old Scratch came along to fill up
Moulton’s boots and found that he couldn’t, he burned Moulton’s house
down.
Expert Advice: There’s no way you’re getting a
square deal out of the devil, and you’re going to Hell anyway. You might
as well try to pull one over on him.
Nicolò Paganini (1782-1840)
This Italian violin virtuoso was gifted enough that people just assumed
that he had made a deal with the devil. The rumors dogged him until the
day he died — and after. Following his death in 1840, the Catholic
church in Genoa refused to give him a Christian burial. Is there any
truth to his association with Satan? Maybe, maybe not, and It’s unlikely
the devil will give you a straight answer.
Expert Advice: Even if you don’t make a deal with
the devil, you might as well let people think you did. It’s obviously
good publicity if we’re still talking about it nearly 2 centuries later.
Just clear everything up with your priest, first.
Theophilus of Adana (? – 535 AD)
Unhappy with his lot in life as an archdeacon in the church, Theophilus
decided to explore his options as a free agent. He hired a necromancer
to summon the devil, who offered Theophilus a position as a bishop in
the church in exchange for his soul. Theophilus signed a contract in
blood and was promoted shortly thereafter. Apparently Theophilus looked
at his chances as a mole in God’s operation and decided they weren’t so
good. He took the contract to another bishop and asked for his help. The
bishop ripped up the contract and Theophilus died on the spot …
supposedly out of joy to have gotten out of the deal, but it’s not like
he’s around to ask.
Expert Advice: Whether you’re getting in or getting
out of a deal with the devil, it’s good to have a professional at your
side. You might have a hard time finding a necromancer these days, but
there’s always Craigslist.
NEXT STEPS:
Grab your guitar or violin, hang a pair of boots over your chimney,
put your bishop’s phone number on speed dial, and grab the next flight
out to Clarksdale. Chances are this won’t end the way you want it to,
but you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Presuming you do make contact with
the devil, then you’re probably going to want to start thinking of ways
to get out of your contract. Here are a couple of maybe-tried and
not-so-true methods.
Fiddle Contest:
Apparently, Satan can’t resist a good old fashioned fiddlin’.
See this instructional video.
Sell Out Fido:
Famous
English Folk Hero Jack O’Kent
tricked the devil into building him a bridge by promising him the soul
of the first person to cross the bridge. He tossed a bone across it and
went running after it. Tough luck, Spot.
If All Else Fails, Become a Glutton for Punishment
In “The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV”, Homer sells his soul to Satan
Flanders for a donut. Once he gets to Hell, Satan attempts to punish
him by stuffing him with donuts. Rather than being horrified, Homer is
delighted. Clearly the devil underestimated Homer’s appetite. Chances
are that the devil isn’t going to offer you any breakfast pastries,
though. Maybe you should develop an appetite for sulfur and brimstone
now.
