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What “XOXO” Really Means
April 11, 2016
Illustration by Tim Lahan
A guide to interpreting e-mail sign-offs:
“XOXO”: Contrary
to popular belief, this does not mean “hugs and kisses.” If anything, it’s
intended to convey light affection, like a pat on the butt from a Texan aunt.
You shouldn’t take it as anything more.
“XOX”: This
indicates full, throbbing, sexual desire. The person who signs off this way is
hoping that you’ll picture her naked silhouette playing the saxophone in some
mist.
“XO”: This is like
when you lean in to kiss your Texan aunt on the cheek but you both turn the
wrong way and kiss on the mouth.
“X”: This is a
simple, respectful nod, indicating that everything is going absolutely fine.
“XX”: This
indicates strong professional hostility. People who sign off with “XX” wish you
the worst, can’t stand the way you move through the world, and if they had
their way they would give you a haunted music box at the office holiday-gift
exchange.
“XXX”: This is
more or less the same thing as “XX,” except a thousand times worse. If the
person who signed off this way were playing a rousing game of Taboo with you
and your friends, instead of playing the game she would punch you.
“All the best”:
When a person signs off this way, she truly wants the best for you. Not only
that, but she is talented, graceful, and tolerant, and knows exactly how to do
everything from parallel parking to “processing” a squash.
“All best”: This
person has gone completely off the rails. You should be very nice to her,
because she is obviously having a personal problem. If you saw her at home, she
would be grimly bouncing on an exercise ball, muttering, “All best, all best,
all best, all best” and wondering whom to say it to next.
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“Best”: This
indicates the highest level of effortless elegance and agility in business
affairs. If you are signing off “Best,” you are clearly in the middle of an
intensely legitimate correspondence. You and the recipient both have classy
paperweights, substantial fountain pens, and completely illegible yet very
sophisticated signatures; you’re probably both “scary good” at oral sex and are
open to everything, but have also mastered the art of saying “no.”
“Yours”: No one knows
what the hell this means. A tremendous amount of research has been done, b
“Best”: This indicates the highest level of effortless
elegance and agility in business affairs. If you are signing off “Best,” you
are clearly in the middle of an intensely legitimate correspondence. You and
the recipient both have classy paperweights, substantial fountain pens, and
completely illegible yet very sophisticated signatures; you’re probably both
“scary good” at oral sex and are open to everything, but have also mastered the
art of saying “no.”
“Yours”: No one knows what the hell this means. A
tremendous amount of research has been done, but it’s still not clear if the
person who signs off with this really thinks, or wants to indicate, that she is
“yours,” nor is it clear whether “Yours” is romantic or simply congenial. Tread
lightly with this person. Anything could mean anything at this point. You’re
basically in a virtual-reality maze where question marks are bouncing through
the air amid wacky fart sounds.
“Thanks”: This is completely sarcastic.
“Sincerely”: This is the way Abraham Lincoln always
signed off, so take that for what it’s worth.
“Peace out!”: This person probably has an earring in
the shape of a turtle, and tries to get everyone to notice it.
“Kramer vs. Kramer”: This is self-explanatory.
“Love”: This person loves you. ♦
Published in the print edition
of the April 18, 2016, issue.
Emma Rathbone is the author of “The Patterns of Paper
Monsters” and “Losing It.” She has written for “Dead to Me,” “The Last Man on
Earth,” and other TV shows.
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