VANTAG galeria: The rules of writing about sex on the internet

Thursday, April 14, 2016

The rules of writing about sex on the internet

For what it’s worth, my primary sex writing rule is this: all your stories belong to both of you. It applies whether you’re writing a book about your conquests or giggling over your latest one-night stand at the water cooler. Everyone has the right to tell their own stories and unless you consign yourself to a lifetime as a hermit, at some point you will be in one of those stories. That’s not to say you should set up a Facebook page and tag anyone you’ve ever rubbed your bits against: apply that editorial discretion. Just as the right to free speech comes hand in hand with the responsibility not to be an abusive arsehole, so the right to discuss your own sex life comes with a big, neon ‘don’t be a dick’ sign: hence the awkward coffee-chat with Adam and the subsequent self-flagellation as I try to twist my love for him into insignificance.

When I told Mark about the sex blog, he was far more chilled than Adam. Perhaps because it was early days: we hadn’t yet had the kind of sex he’d be nervous to tell his friends about. While he’d have loved the idea of calling me his girlfriend, he knew that’d mean a pretty swift separation without even a goodbye blow job. I was just a girl he liked, who met up with him twice a week or so, then rubbed against him in the hallway of his flat until one or both of us made a come face. We were new, casual and definitely not significant. So, as with so much else in life, laid-back Mark made the sex blog chat simple:

image: Stuart F Taylor

‘I’m going to write about sex on the internet. Can I write about what we do?’

‘Of course. Let’s do it again now, though, just so it’s fresh in your mind.’

Afterwards, when we were sweaty and knackered and definitely not hugging, he sat up with a jolt, lips twitching like he’d just thought of a killer joke:

‘I don’t have to actually read it, do I?’

Beyond text messages and pizza menus, Mark’s not much of a reader. Occasionally he’ll stretch to Reddit, but he prefers the posts with pictures. This isn’t a way to parade my book snob credentials, it’s just a fact: some people prefer pictures to words, and some prefer videos. Or gifs. Why the hell not? A hundred years ago reading was vital to acquire knowledge, but these days you could build an entire house just by watching the right YouTube clips. I only explain it so you understand that reading my blog was, for Mark, a pretty serious commitment. Occasionally he’d swap high-definition porn for thousand-word accounts of our haphazard fucking and give me his feedback via the medium of blow job requests. If a blog was good, he’d point to his crotch, and let me drink in the sight of his prick swelling firmly against the fabric. If it was really good he’d put a firm hand on the back of my neck, unzip his flies and nudge me towards him so we could relive the highlight of whatever he was reading.

If you’re shy about discussing your own sex life, allow me to try and tempt you to open up a bit: your other half’s more likely to confess to their kinky fantasy if you’ve got the ball rolling with yours. In that way, sexy chat breeds more sex which, in turn, causes more sexy chat: like a virtuous circle in which the hand jobs get more vigorous, imaginative and pleasurable as they’re amplified down the chain. Conversely, the less we talk about sex, the less we hear about sex from others. No one wants to swap shagging stories with someone who’s tight-lipped about their own discretions.

image: Kelly Peron

It’s like the teenage game ‘I have never,’ which works as an analogy for almost any sexual discussion. If you’ve never played, then what the hell have you been doing with your life? Grab some friends and a few bottles of the cheapest booze you can find, sit in a circle, and get stuck in. Here’s how to play: horny teenager number one states something that they have never done, and those who have done it take a sip of their drink. It could be anything – bungee jumping, horse riding, getting an ‘A’ in a maths test – but of course it’s never any of those things, because – 15-years-old or not – when it comes to secrets most of us think about fucking. So you start with the simple sex questions:

‘I have never had sex in a tent.’ (Come on, drink up)

‘I have never had a threesome.’ (If you drink here, give a secret smile of nostalgic arousal)

Then you move on to the more niche activities:

‘I have never given head to someone more than ten years older than me.’ (Drink and wink at whoever it is across the circle)

‘I have never had to go to hospital to have something removed from my arse.’ (Shuffle uncomfortably in your seat)

‘I have never masturbated in a train station.’ (Down your drink, please, or I’ll feel like you’re judging me)

image: Stuart F Taylor

It’s an utterly British way to kick off a sex chat, because while we’re often a bit shy about discussing our downstairs activity, we fucking love a good drink, so you realise quickly that if you hide too many of your secrets, you’ll never get good and trollied. So we say things we’ve never done, drink to the things we have, then giggle, point, high five, and cry ‘oh my god you didn’t!’

No one plays the game itself when they’re 30 (we’re too busy with fondue and foccacia), but our sex chat still reflects these gleeful teenage rituals. We want to play, because it’s fun hearing other people’s juicy secrets and you get the excuse to tell people your threesome story without looking like a braggart. So why is it so hard to start that conversation? Because the first person has to set the tone and that’s immensely difficult. Begin with ‘I have never had sex in the shower’ and you might be laughed out of the room – we all did that two years ago and if you haven’t you’re made to feel like a prude. On the other hand, if you tell people you’ve never had an orgasm in a swingers club, you immediately become That Person Who Has Clearly Fucked In A Swingers Club, and you have to hold your breath while people decide whether to congratulate or condemn you. Most of us want to gauge where we fall on the scale from ‘prude’ to ‘pervert’, but those who go first risk the judgment of the next in line. Whether it’s envy, disgust, or naivety about what humans get up to in the bedroom, sexual confessions turn everyone into judgmental tabloid editors.

image: Emmeline Peaches

It’s easy to break this cycle, though: talk more. Moral outrage and envy generally spring from a place of ignorance: ‘I don’t know what that’s like, but I have to have feelings about it, so I am either jealous, angry, or both.’ If we strip that ignorance away, all that’s left is the titillation:

‘Really?’ someone chips in. ‘You’ve had a wank in a train station?’

‘Of course – I paid thirty pence to get into the toilets so I wanted to get my money’s worth.’

Cue everyone grumbling about having to pay for toilets and making a mental note next time they have to fork out just to have a piss. Even if no one has done exactly the same, those in the group who may have worried that their solo activities were weird now feel slightly less alone – everyone’s a winner (except the people who are waiting in line for a wee). Naturally I don’t mean you should wander around your nearest shopping centre with a megaphone. Editorial discretion means not broadcasting your sexploits to people who aren’t interested, or at times when they’re not appropriate. But in conversation with friends, lovers, ex-lovers and people who follow you on Twitter, don’t be scared to talk about your experiences. I promise it’s worth it in the long run: you’ll get more people horny, hear their stories and advice, and best of all we get to drown out the twats who purse their lips and frown when we do what comes naturally. This, really, is the reason I started the blog. Why I bought a URL, mashed together a few pages, and started writing. When I took a deep breath and set the site to ‘live’, it was my first move in a very long game of ‘I have never…’

image: tinrobo

This is an extract from Girl on the Net’s book Girl on the Net: How a bad girl fell in love available now from here. Follow Girl on the Net online here.