Sunday, September 17, 2017

The Trump Tweets We’ll Never See

CreditPaul Windle
Here, the alternate-world thoughts of @realDonaldTrump:

Gotta admit, press serves function, even terrible WaPo and failing NYT! #NotAlwaysFakeNews #BezosWayRicherThanMe
Even if Crooked Hillary took 2/3rds of illegally cast votes, math still says she eked out popular vote. Belated kudos (though AG should indict her!) #StillCrushedElectoral #TwitterOnlyAllows140CharactersButAsPresidentImChangingThat
Dow breaks historic 22k barrier, unemployment at 4.3%, 1MM jobs created … truth told, not all due to me, maybe some to BHO? And natural ebb & flow of economic cycles? #MAGA #ShareTheWealth #WhenRecessionComesDontWantAllBlameEither
Could my trouble condemning white supremacists, KKK and neo-Nazis have anything to do with an atrocious grasp of history? YES! #BestsellingAnneFrankShouldHaveWrittenASequel #WhyDidntRosaParksSitElsewhere
Macron has firmer handshake, bigger hand. France 1, DJT 0. #WowThatHurt #WishIdBeenAbleToSeduceMyGradeSchoolTeacher
Continue reading the main story
By almost any objective measure, Robert Mueller seems to be a public servant of unassailable integrity, hailed by those on both sides of the aisle. #NoJoke
Climate change real. Obama born in Hawaii. #FeelsGood #IAmFromQueensNotManhattan
If you could see the conflicts of interest on my tax returns ... #MusingsAt3AM #DifferentKindOfWoke #MelaniaSnoresLouderThanYouThink
Senator McCain, I owe you huge apology for what I said. I was wrong. Thank you for your service. #IncapableOfTypingCertainStringsOfLetters
Next time I pledge charitable contribution, I should probably actually make it. #GrowingMoreSelfAware #ApeMonolithSceneIn2001
Too Much cable news, junk food, nepotism, Too Little concentration, impulse control = Disaster! #CallItLikeISeeIt
Putin a brutal leader, basically a dictator — and I so so wanna be just like him, whatever it takes. #IAdmireTheWrongPeople #DamnHeLooksBetterShirtlessThanMe
With GOP in control of Cong, if I’d done even a little research, understood even most basic lessons about how laws get made, we’d have something to show for it. Instead, no wins, thanks to me. #WinningSoMuchItHurts #Not!
Those who voted for me far likelier to get screwed by policies I push than coastal elites are. #SeriouslyNotJokingPeople #Hello? #IsThisAPopulaceOrAnOilPainting
Who’m I kidding? I don’t have “policies”! #BannonStoleMyCheeseSandwich #MightHaveBeenKelly
A little birdie should tell Mueller to look particularly at 2011’s 1040, Schedule C, Non-Farm Income, Line 27 #Lines28Through35AlsoChilling
I am a bully, I have filed for bankruptcy multiple times, I stiffed contractors, I cheat at golf. #EnoughIsEnough #NeedToReadAtLeastOneBookCoverToCoverBeforeIDie #StartingWithArtOfTheDeal
So very out my depth, “Rage” is my middle name, “Thin” is my skin color, please take the nuclear football out of my hands. #GuessNoTrumpHotelInPyongyang #SaveYourselves
Who needs this? I am so done! The media is the enemy of the people! Witch Hunt! Mike Pence, 2020 officially your race to lose. #HeLooksMorePresidential #LetsPlay36Holes #MelaniaPackYourBags

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