As heated debate over the future of the American health care system continues on the Senate floor and on Twitter, we are sending this form letter to notify you of your options should you lose health coverage.
In the event of a Republican repeal of the Affordable Care Act, and/or replacement of the Affordable Care Act, and/or a signed contract between Mitch McConnell and the Devil himself, we want to be sure you are fully somewhat prepared.
First, you should know what to expect. Upon learning that you have lost access to adequate health care, it is not uncommon to experience a range of emotions, including but not limited to:
• Anger
• Frustration
• Hopelessness
• Complete absence of feeling (i.e., death)
So, what do you do if you lose coverage? Let us assure you — we absolutely feel a slight sense of empathy for your predicament, so to assist you in planning for your and your dependents’ inevitable medical needs, our team has created this helpful guide for dealing with some basic health issues without insurance coverage:
Controlling high blood pressure without insurance
Are you at risk for developing chronic high blood pressure? Let’s just assume that you are — these are extremely stressful times.
To keep stress-induced blood pressure increases in check, consider relieving tension by walking into the woods and screaming. Or, walking into your local congressional office and screaming. Yeah, that’s right, just scream! Let it all out! Keep going until you rupture a lung! Scream, baby, screeeaaaam!!!
Note: Do not actually scream so loudly that you rupture a lung. If you can’t afford medical care for high blood pressure, you certainly won’t be able to afford care to fix that.
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Ensuring a safe pregnancy without insurance
Having a baby? Let us be the first to say, congratulations! Or if you’re unmarried, let us be the first to say, shame! Shame on you, dirty harlot!
Either way, without insurance coverage, you may want to consider a home birth. Home birth is a beautiful, intimate way to deliver your child. And more important, it is cheap. So when you start feeling contractions, do not go to the hospital — simply get into your bathtub, or a kiddie pool! And then … push? Maybe? Something like that. Oh, and in all the fictional home births we’ve seen on TV, they usually burn sage or incense and sing or whatever. Try that.
Look — when it’s time, we’re sure those maternal instincts will kick in and you’ll know exactly what to do. So don’t worry about it. Worrying is bad for the baby!
Caring for aging relatives without insurance
Does your aging loved one have Alzheimer’s, or another cognitive-impairment condition? Well, without insurance coverage or adequate Medicaid funding, a nursing home with 24/7 monitoring and care will obviously be out of the question. And frankly, the toll being a full-time caregiver would take on you is unfathomable. (There’s that pesky high blood pressure again!)
So, what are your options? Well … Have you considered dropping your loved one off in a hedge maze? Alzheimer’s patients are prone to wandering, but with a hedge maze, you’ll have peace of mind knowing that their wandering will at least be confined to a secure, relatively safe location. Plus, old people love plants!
Managing your mental health without insurance
If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, try replacing your regular, expensive medication with Tic Tacs and telling yourself it’s the real thing. The placebo effect can be very powerful! (Or have you tried, you know … just being happy? Why can’t you just do that?)
Treating cancer without insurance
Ooh — the big C, huh? Tough break. Is it at least one of the good ones? You know — one that gets its own 5K? Maybe you could race for your own cure! Just be sure to check with your doctor before starting a new exercise regi — oh, right, never mind.
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle without insurance
Ehhhh. Forget it. Just start smoking. Without health care, you’re probably going to die way sooner than you think. And if you gotta go out, might as well go out lookin’ cool, right? Yeah! There you go! High-five, cool guy/gal!!!
We hope this resource will be useful in the event that we are no longer able to serve as your insurance provider. If you have any additional questions or concerns about your or your dependents’ current or anticipated medical needs … uh …
Too bad?
Sincerely,
Your (Potentially Soon-to-Be-Former) Health Insurance Company
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