Monday, September 18, 2017

Stephen Colbert’s Emmys Opening Monologue




 
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Stephen Colbert Opens 2017 Emmy Awards

Stephen Colbert capped his opening monologue with an extended roast of President Donald Trump.
 By TELEVISION ACADEMY and CBS TELEVISION NETWORK on Publish DateSeptember 17, 2017.Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision, via Associated Press. Watch in Times Video »
As expected, Stephen Colbert’s first time hosting the Emmy Awards featured swipe after swipe against President Trump, as well as digs against those in the room, whom he mocked for having another night dedicated to patting themselves on the back. But the most talked about moment was when the former White House press secretary Sean Spicer made a surprise appearance near the end of the monologue. Here is a full transcript:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 69th Emmy Awards. I’m your host, Stephen Colbert. Thank you very much. This is exciting, can you feel — this is TV’s highest honors. Us, celebrating us.
[LAUGHTER]
Tonight we binge ourselves, can you feel it? This room is crackling with the collective energy of people who for the last 48 hours have consumed nothing but distilled water and Crest white strips.
[LAUGHTER]
All the nominees look so beautiful this evening. So happy. So hopeful. Just a reminder: If you do win, don’t forget to thank everyone who helped you get up here, mainly “Game of Thrones” for not being eligible this year. Now personally, I have to take a moment here to thank CBS chairman Leslie Moonves. I literally have to thank him, it’s in my contract.
[LAUGHTER]
Unfortunately, Les cannot be here tonight to receive my gratitude, so I accept it on his behalf. We did it.
[LAUGHTER]
But while we’re thanking people, nobody deserves more thanks right now than our first responders.
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[APPLAUSE]
They have been working tirelessly following the disasters in Texas and Florida. And we have to thank also the friends who showed up with the food. The neighbors with boats, the nuns with chain saws, the complete strangers who stepped up to help rebuild. And if you haven’t donated to hurricane relief yet, you still can by going to handinhand2017.com and giving generously. I believe Billy Eichner is still standing by to take your call. How is it going, Billy?
::CUTS TO BILLY EICHNER IN THE AUDIENCE HOLDING A PHONE::
EICHNER: Stephen, I’m on the phone, please. Don’t embarrass me in front of Louie Anderson. Oh, they just hung up.
::CAMERA PANS TO LOUIE ANDERSON SITTING JUST SEATS AWAY::
COLBERT: I apologize to all of you. Well, what a year it has been for television. I mean the industry is booming. There were over 450 original scripted shows made this year. Of course, there is no way anyone could possibly watch that much TV other than the president, who seems to have a lot of time for that sort of thing. Hello, sir, thank you for joining us.
[LAUGHTER]
Looking forward to the tweets. And there have never been more platforms to get your TV than right now. You have broadcast. You have cable. You have Amazon. You have YouTube, Hulu, Voodoo, Netflix, Vitamix. You have Vimeo. You have Twitch, you have Crackle. Cruncho. Bumble. Twerk. Glorp. Flurp.
Uber. Eyeball. and DintyMooreStew.com. Oh, yes. It’s going to be in the trades tomorrow. Dinty Moore has a 10-episode deal with Martin Scorsese. Rumor is Liev Schreiber is playing a brooding chunk of meat.
Yes, just like that but with carrots and potatoes around him.
[LAUGHTER]
Of course, these days everybody loves streaming video. Just ask Ted Cruz.
[LAUGHTER]
But knock first. You don’t want to just walk in.
[LAUGHTER]
Netflix alone raked in 92 Emmy nominations this year.
[APPLAUSE]
Yes, sure. Why not? And may I remind you, five years ago their hottest show was a scratched DVD of “Finding Nemo”?
[LAUGHTER]
Now we’ve got amazing shows like “Stranger Things.” Millie Bobby Brown is here tonight.
[APPLAUSE]
She’s amazing in that show, proving once and for all that there are roles in Hollywood for women over 12.
[LAUGHTER]
Of course, premium cable still has a ton of great shows. I am sure HBO will take home a lot of Emmys tonight, which they’ll have to melt down to pay for next year’s hacker ransom.
[LAUGHTER]
Too soon?
[LAUGHTER]
Broadcast TV also had its triumph this year. Remember broadcast? The TV O.G., where it started? Broadcast TV is breaking new ground. In fact, this season, CBS will have twice as many Sheldons as any other network in history.

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Many of the shows nominated this year are available to stream immediately. Watching, The New York Times’s TV and movie recommendation site, can show you where.
[LAUGHTER]
All the broadcast networks have put out great shows this past year. Like “This Is Us.”
(applause)
Incredible. But seriously, Milo, you are going to die this season, right? Just give us a hint. Do you slip in a bathtub? Is it bad clams? Are you mauled by a circus lion in a convenience store? What happens? I’m just saying: Your fans want to see you dead.
[LAUGHTER]
It’s a compliment. And this has been a great era for diversity in television. In fact, for the third year in a row this is the most diverse group of nominees in Emmy history.
[APPLAUSE]
That’s impressive. I did not know you could applaud while patting yourself on the back at the same time. Well done. Lovely job. And there’s so many talented African-American nominees. Jeffrey Wright. Viola Davis. Samira Wiley. Uzo Aduba. Anthony Anderson from ABC’s “black-ish.”
[APPLAUSE]
And of course Bill Maher. I assume he’s black since he’s so comfortable using the “N” word. I don’t know. Good night, that’s my time, everybody.
[LAUGHTER]
There are so many stars here tonight. Oprah, Oprah is in the front row right now.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah. Oprah was snubbed this year. What is wrong with you people? What in “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” is wrong with you people? I’m so sorry, Oprah, I was really hoping this would be your breakout year.
Hopefully next year you will have a better seat. I’m sorry.
[LAUGHTER]
But if we’re honest with ourselves — and as artists, I think we have to be honest with ourselves — we know that the biggest TV star of the last year is Donald Trump. Yeah. No, you may not like it but he’s the biggest star. You know, and Alec Baldwin, obviously, you know.
[APPLAUSE]
You guys are neck and neck. And Alec, you’re up against a lot of neck. And however you feel about the president, and you do feel about the president, you can’t deny that every show was influenced by Donald Trump in some way. All the late-night shows, obviously.
“House of Cards,” the new season of “American Horror Story,” and of course next year’s Latin Grammys, hosted by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Muy Caliente.
[LAUGHTER]
And we all know the Emmys mean a lot to Donald Trump. Because he was nominated multiple times for “Celebrity Apprentice” but he never won. Why didn’t you give him an Emmy? I tell you this. If he had won an Emmy, I bet he wouldn’t have run for president. So in a way this is all your fault.
I thought you people loved morally compromised antiheroes. You like Walter White. He’s just Walter Much Whiter. And he never forgave you and he never will. The president has complained repeatedly that the Emmys are rigged. He even went after the host a few years back tweeting, “That Seth Meyers is hosting the Emmy Awards is a total joke. He is very awkward with almost no talent. Marbles in his mouth.” Wow, marbles in his mouth. That’s harsh.
[LAUGHTER]
That’s quite an accusation, any response, Seth?
::CUTS TO SETH MEYERS IN THE AUDIENCE WITH MARBLES FALLING OUT OF HIS MOUTH::
[LAUGHTER]
And even during the campaign, Trump would not let it go. This actually happened. This exchange actually happened in the debate.
::CUTS TO VIDEO OF HILLARY CLINTON AND MR. TRUMP AT A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE::
CLINTON: There was even a time when he didn’t get an Emmy for his TV program three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged again.
TRUMP: Should have gotten it.
::END TAPE::
COLBERT: But he didn’t. Because unlike the presidency, Emmys go to the winner of the popular vote.
[LAUGHTER]
Where do I find the courage to tell that joke in this room?
Of course, what really matters to Donald Trump is ratings. You’ve got to have the big numbers. And I certainly hope we achieved that tonight. Unfortunately, at this point, we have no way of knowing how big our audience is. I mean is there anyone who can say how big the audience is? Sean, do you know?
::SEAN SPICER ROLLS OUT ON A PODIUM::
SEAN SPICER: This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period. Both in person and around the world.
COLBERT: Wow, that really soothes my fragile ego. I can understand why you would want one of these guys around. Melissa McCarthy, everybody. Give it up!
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