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No women have ever been President of the United States because, as we learned in 2016, they aren’t allowed to be. So we are left to look back at history and imagine: What if some of our Presidents had been women?
George Washington
Washington marries the richest widower in Virginia and is promptly labelled a gold-digger.
John Adams
Adams has a reputation of being unlikable and, since she’s a woman, it’s not viewed as a quirky leadership tactic. She’s forced to spend much of her campaign trying to humanize herself through anecdotes about her kids and interviews about how much she loves hot sauce. People end up voting against her anyway because she never talked about her policies and, also, she just seems super fake? (Plus, what kind of narcissist names her daughter after herself?!)
James Madison
Sure, Madison basically wrote the entire Constitution, but the country is only interested in talking about her much more likable and conventionally attractive husband. How did he get tricked into marrying such a tedious nerd? Why isn’t he President? I mean, he introduced Americans to ice cream!
William Henry Harrison
You know how we live in a society so deeply designed to benefit men and punish women that women routinely dress sexily for New Year’s Eve parties and then are forced to stand outside, shivering, waiting for the bus, contracting hypothermia because men’s transient pleasure is more important to our culture than women’s physical wellbeing? Right, so—Harrison doesn’t wear a jacket to her Inauguration and dies a month later.
James Buchanan
Despite having been a member of Congress, a senator, an ambassador, Secretary of State, and President, everyone just wants to know: When will Buchanan be getting married? And is that a baby bump?
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The Man Who Shazamed the World
Abraham Lincoln
Lincoln goes down in history as being extremely tall. Like, weirdly tall, for a woman. It’s . . . not normal. Also, she saves the Union or something.
Theodore Roosevelt
When Roosevelt’s spouse dies suddenly, she dreams of abandoning her young children and heading West, to live where the landscape is as unforgiving as her emotions. But she can’t. So, she just stays and raises her family and someone else becomes President.
Calvin Coolidge
Coolidge famously talks so little that she is nicknamed Resting Bitch Face.
John F. Kennedy
At the age of forty-three, Kennedy is the youngest person ever to be elected President, which sparks a national discussion over how old women are when they go through menopause. Does Kennedy still get her period? Is she going to start a nuclear war because she’s on her period? Is this what the Cuban Missile Crisis was really about?
Ronald Reagan
A charismatic TV star with undeniable good looks and extremely conservative views, Reagan decides not to run and instead accepts twenty-three million dollars a year to disastrously host the third hour of the “Today” show.
Bill Clinton
She’s Hillary Clinton, and she doesn’t get impeached.
Donald Trump
Female Donald Trump has ten times as much political experience and she still never even thinks of running for office because she knows she is unqualified.
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