Let’s move on to the living room! The six labelled remote controls for the TV are laid out in a specific order. No. 1 is to turn the TV on, No. 2 is for the cablebox, No. 3 is to adjust the volume on any streaming platforms, No. 4 is to adjust the volume on any cable program, and remotes five and six are there for strictly aesthetic purposes. Please log out of your streaming services at the end of your stay (or pay the twenty-five-dollar fine for forgetting to do this). Streaming Peacock in the house is prohibited, as are all other forms of pornography. Feel free to put your (sockless) feet on the coffee table, in view of the camera hidden inside the ceiling fan.

I implore you not to close any of the windows. They are kept open to the exact right height to provide ideal air circulation throughout the house. In the case of a rainstorm, place towels down to cover the windowsills (fifty-dollar fine if this is not done, and additional twenty-five-dollar charge if the towels are not washed, dried, and folded afterward). These window towels are in the linen closet on the first floor near the large security camera, but are not to be confused with the bath towels, located in the linen closet on the second floor (next to the toilet camera).

The sheets on the bed are a hundred-thread count, and I ask that you wash, dry, iron, and fold the sheets before remaking the bed. Yes, I need the sheets to be fully folded before you unfold them to remake the bed. Please don’t ask for my reasons (a hundred-fifty-dollar charge if not done well).

Do not use the trash can in the kitchen, as there is a huge problem with mice, rats, and gerbils. (The local pet store recently caught fire, and there was a mass rodent exodus that we’re still dealing with.) Any trash needs to be taken out of the house in your car, using your own trash bags. (I do not keep any plastic bags in the house owing to political beliefs.)

I also ask that you bring in your own toilet paper, but it must be half-ply, as the pipes are old and when I flipped this house I didn’t receive proper guidance from HGTV’s “Love It or List It” on how to replace them. Any one-to-two-ply toilet paper that is flushed (and remember, I have a camera aimed at the toilet) will result in a four-hundred-dollar charge.

Feel free to play any of the board games in the game cabinet! You’ll find that it’s locked, but I’m more than happy to come over and unlock it for you for a mere fifteen dollars. Once you have checked out a game (there’s a sign-out sheet in the cupboard), I ask that you limit your playing time to one hour. For any missing Scrabble pieces you will incur a fee of one dollar per tile (two dollars for vowels and “Z”).

The house comes with free Wi-Fi—please just swing by my studio and ask me for the password, as I will not write it out, for security purposes. See the Hello Kitty binder marked “Cleaning Fees” for an extensive breakdown of those additional charges, and I hope you have a wonderful (and shoeless) visit to Bismarck, North Dakota!

P.S. There is no street parking. ♦

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