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Alternatives to Catcalling
Love shouting at people in the street, but find that your suggestions, such as “Smile!” and “Hey, bitch, I said smile!,” are increasingly ignored? It’s time to broaden the scope of your unsolicited, yelled advice and maybe even open up a little.
Weather Reports: “I’d take sunglasses and an umbrella! It’s not worth the risk either way—you know the kinda day!”
Directions: “There are free samples of high-end lotion two blocks from here—just take the next left and then a hard right! My hands feel great!”
Timely Reminders: “There are two hundred and fifty-six shopping days left until Christmas! Plenty of time to find the perfect thing for someone special—and to find that someone special!”
Astrological Updates: “Mercury is going into retrograde this Saturday. I implore you not to start any new ventures at this time!”
Business Advice: “I think putting QR codes on business cards is considered passé now! Adding ‘ninja’ or ‘nomad’ to your job title is pretty sick, though, right?!”
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Pet Facts: “If your dog sleeps on its back, it means that it feels safe around you! Mine sleeps at my ex’s, but that’s cool!”
Life Hacks: “When you’re finished with a scented candle, don’t throw away the container. Clean it out to create a makeshift succulent planter! I’ve named all of my succulents after women I hope to date—I believe it’s called ‘manifesting’!”
Trading Tips: “I’m not sure if all of those crypto-trading ads are legit. Like, they may contain actors? I’m just saying that I wouldn’t quit your day job!”
Culinary Tips: “If you buy TV dinners in even numbers, the cashier doesn’t immediately assume that you eat alone every night!”
Self-Reflection: “Why am I like this? Why are any of us like this?!”
Fun Facts: “Penguins mate for life. Must be nice!” ♦
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